a dark place... people don't understand that you are actually growing in the
darkness..." T.D. Jakes
Because grief is often equated with darkness, many try to avoid it. However, growth emerges from such darkness, suggesting that one should embrace it rather than avoid it. I am an advocate against the fake smile syndrome; as it agitates me when people demand a smile from others, not knowing their current situation. While I understand the intent behind this gesture, especially within particular cultural contexts, however, making such a request without a relational bond, can actually feel violating to the other person. I admit I too have been guilty of this. It wasn't until my own bout with severe depression from a major loss, that I gained true understanding of persons who preferred truth to self over a lie for others. "Just let me be. I will smile when I have reason to..." I once overheard a patient tell her nurse. Culturally speaking, we are taught early on to "fake it until we make it." While this has strengthened the survivalist nature within us, it has also worked counter intuitively to our wholeness, and has weakened us even unto death. Yet we commend the mask-wearer for his or her ability to "smile in spite of..."
Yes, she smiles warmly though falsely, pregnant with an inferno of emotion within, ready for eruption. But did you know that an eruptible smile from a grieving person who is stuck in grief is dangerous? Her fickle façade poses more of a threat than the person whose facial expression actually coincides with her true feelings. The mask-wearer is more toxic than the person who, for the sake of remaining true to the grieving process refuses such fallacy. Healthy grief demands not a smile, but rather truth. In fact, smiling does not nor will not solicit healing, though truth always will. Pressing someone for a smile is merely an act of appeasement for the requester's own discomfort with grief. Yes, often when we demand a smile from the grieving, it's for us and not them. It's to make us feel better. Given the maskwearer's facade of perfection, her inner bleeding will go unnoticed. And the longer she wears it, the more she buys into her own lie. In addition, because this is learned behavior, whether someone requests a [false] smile or not (any smile from the hurting is false), she is already wired to do so willingly. Her addiction to "saving face" or better yet, "saving heart," presents her as a pillar of [false] strength. Sadly, as a result, very few to none will invest in a simple inquiry of her well-being, simply because she "looks" well, or even happy. Unfortunately, this will backfire. Her façade, which has not only fooled others, will eventually fool even her. Now stuck in the "denial" of her own grief and pain, when asked about how she is doing, she will perpetuate the very lie fashioned upon her face. Eventually, bitterness will usurp the remains of her hope, and at any given moment of unexpected overwhelmingness her inner inferno will erupt, destroying everyone in close proximity.
Healing as a necessity will then be refuted and justified as unnecessary. In this regard, I'd rather see an angry face on a person who is aware and in conversation with that emotion, than a person whose face smiles ever so crookedly, while she or he slowly erupts in my presence.
Dr. Kay Jenkins (c) 2014
Your 2nd Wind Consulting and Counseling